I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
