giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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