she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
