We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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