Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
