Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
