This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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