Even the bartender felt bad for me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
All the doctor said was why
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize