you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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