You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
