remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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