What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
