I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I've blown a few things in my day
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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