I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
