So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
