i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
