im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
