I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
