I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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