david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
home. puking in laundry basket.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
