I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
