I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
