It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
