I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
