True but thats because hes a fetus.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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