I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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