someone threw a dead crab at me
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
