Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
