if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
