I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
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