Umm I'm too high to move.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
