trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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