if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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