Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
