just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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