haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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