Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
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