last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
