Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
