we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
