is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
