A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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