it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
