your parents love me but you hate me
4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
