I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize