No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
