i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
