He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize