remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
