If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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