just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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