That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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