i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
