He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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