I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
why do cheetos always look like penises
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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