i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
