I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
