Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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