Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
