Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
