READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
