so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize