The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Screwed.edu
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We need to get me chipped asap
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
